The Cage is Open

Its funny how ten years ago I was all about my ex-husband. I grew my hair out for him, did what he wanted and never even began to question it. I never got to even watch what I wanted to watch on T.V. I remember when I moved to Texas to live with my parents, I went to get my hair cut, I picked out the style on my own without anyone's say so, but when I started to feel the hair fall away I had a panic attack. It was all I could do not to freak out in the chair. But looking back on those days how broken I was. As the days rolled into 2 yrs later I spent a lot of time alone. In fact I thrived better than if I was in a group of people. True I made a few friend while I was there but over time I began to push them away. Mostly due to the fact that I was going to be moving to be with Shutterbug but another reason was I was just getting tired of people in general. I was all too happy whenever the parents went away for the weekend. It was just me and my sister puppy. And now here I am all moved in and settled into my new life with Shutterbug, it's crazy to think it's been six months already. Six months of love and laughter. I love how we just mesh together so well there was no awkwardness at all.We settled into a routine, we have coffee together in the mornings on the weekends, and we go on roadtrips together. This year is our first christmas actually together and not celebrating a week later. It was so much fun to put the tree up and decorate it together. It took two years but now I am finally divorced and free from my ex. I almost cried when I got the papers, tears of joy and relief. I have a key on my dresser to remind me that I hold the key to my own life now. To also remind me that I am no longer a prisoner of my own life.

Starting over

Well here I am in my new home with Shutterbug. God it feels so good to be with her everyday now. And yet its a little weird too. Not saying it's a bad weird but a good weird. I went from seeing her for 2 days on the weekends once a month to seeing her everyday. It feels so fantastic to start my life over. And now I have control of my life for the first time in 12 years,I can finally decide how I want my life to go. I started my new job, I can finally get my medical career off the ground.I love P'burg so far, it's a cute little town. I am 30 mins from work! Dude life is great so far. And things are only going to get better!

A New Way To Fly

It just hit me today that in two weeks I will be leaving my parents house yet again but this time I leave with a fresh perspective on life. Two years ago I was a very broken girl, I didn't know who I was, and I had a broken heart. I look back now and think to myself that girl is long gone, now I am a strong empowered woman. I can do anything I set my mind to. Now I know who I am and what I am capable of. Soon I will embark on a new journey with Shutterbug. It's a little scary to think about starting over with someone new but honestly I am looking forward to it. I'm ready now more then ever to face this new life ahead of me. My medical instructor Ms. Kris always called her new students "baby birds" and now I understand why. Now I am learning a new way to fly only this time I will not fall. I'm ready to leave this nest and take on this brand new bold world. I may have lost a few feathers along the way but that will only make me fly harder and fly farther than I have ever flew before. Look out world here I come! Are you ready?

Who will save your soul?

No offense to any christians reading this but I gotta get this off my chest. Recently I got in a verbal fight with my brother over religion. His argument was that my religious choice was a fake one and there is no such thing as Yule and he thinks I am afraid to say the word God or Jesus. The truth of the matter is a lot of christian celebrations ie christmas and easter were first celebrated by pagans. Yes I called him ignorant, sorry but you don't come at me with an arguement without doing some research first. It was not pretty at all the convo ended with him getting angry at me when he couldn't sway me into repenting my evil ways and converting to his choice of religion. Thanks to Shutterbug for being there for me when I needed her. I hope one day my brother will wake up and realize that he was wrong in trying to force me to change. The upshot is my brother told my dad about the arguement and my dad sided with me. He doesn't care about who I love or my religious choice all he cares about is I am happy and that's all that matters.

Was I?

I wonder if i ever really loved him. Was he just an excuse not to move back in with my mom after I got out of the military. Was he just a fuck buddy with a title? Who knows and at this point in time who cares any more. All I am happier now. Which begs another question was I happy then too? Was I happy? Was I ever truely happy? All I know is I am happy and that's all that matters. It's hard to explain when you begin to question the past in order to make sense of the present. I spent 8 years trying to be something and someone I wasn't. I pretended to be this "normal" person. I spent lots of time just trying to hold it all in. Never really knowing the real me only what I thought I was supposed to be. Well that person is no more. I know who I am now and that's all that matters honestly. It's funny how you break away from it just to really discover what you are truly made of. It's only then that you realize just how strong you really are. You turn the things that once made you weak and powerless into things that you learn from.

Ah the joys of being a lesbian

Here lately I have started realizing more and more just how great it is to be a lesbian. For instance I don't ever have to worry about my partner suffering from erectile dysfunction or have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant unless we want to be. I love being with my partner and I am much happier being gay then I ever did being straight. Who knows may this is how I was always meant to be.

In retrospect

Well on Tuesday Shutterbug and I will celebrate 2 years of being together. It's funny how it doesn't feel like it's only been 2 years. I guess it just feels longer considering all the crap we have been through together. Two years ago I was a broken woman who didn't know who she was and didn't know she fit in this world. Shutterbug was trying to fix the pieces of her broken heart. Together we found something in each other. It happened to be what we needed. We are a perfect combination of silly and serious, laughter and pain, joy and sorrow. But no matter what we have been through we always come out stronger and closer then ever before. Every time I look at her I fall more and more in love with her. She is my rock when I feel like I am drifting at sea. I look at her now and I think to myself, god I am so lucky to have her in my life. Happy 2 yr anniversary honey! I love you very very much and I am so glad to have you as my partner.