The Cage is Open

Its funny how ten years ago I was all about my ex-husband. I grew my hair out for him, did what he wanted and never even began to question it. I never got to even watch what I wanted to watch on T.V. I remember when I moved to Texas to live with my parents, I went to get my hair cut, I picked out the style on my own without anyone's say so, but when I started to feel the hair fall away I had a panic attack. It was all I could do not to freak out in the chair. But looking back on those days how broken I was. As the days rolled into 2 yrs later I spent a lot of time alone. In fact I thrived better than if I was in a group of people. True I made a few friend while I was there but over time I began to push them away. Mostly due to the fact that I was going to be moving to be with Shutterbug but another reason was I was just getting tired of people in general. I was all too happy whenever the parents went away for the weekend. It was just me and my sister puppy. And now here I am all moved in and settled into my new life with Shutterbug, it's crazy to think it's been six months already. Six months of love and laughter. I love how we just mesh together so well there was no awkwardness at all.We settled into a routine, we have coffee together in the mornings on the weekends, and we go on roadtrips together. This year is our first christmas actually together and not celebrating a week later. It was so much fun to put the tree up and decorate it together. It took two years but now I am finally divorced and free from my ex. I almost cried when I got the papers, tears of joy and relief. I have a key on my dresser to remind me that I hold the key to my own life now. To also remind me that I am no longer a prisoner of my own life.

Starting over

Well here I am in my new home with Shutterbug. God it feels so good to be with her everyday now. And yet its a little weird too. Not saying it's a bad weird but a good weird. I went from seeing her for 2 days on the weekends once a month to seeing her everyday. It feels so fantastic to start my life over. And now I have control of my life for the first time in 12 years,I can finally decide how I want my life to go. I started my new job, I can finally get my medical career off the ground.I love P'burg so far, it's a cute little town. I am 30 mins from work! Dude life is great so far. And things are only going to get better!

A New Way To Fly

It just hit me today that in two weeks I will be leaving my parents house yet again but this time I leave with a fresh perspective on life. Two years ago I was a very broken girl, I didn't know who I was, and I had a broken heart. I look back now and think to myself that girl is long gone, now I am a strong empowered woman. I can do anything I set my mind to. Now I know who I am and what I am capable of. Soon I will embark on a new journey with Shutterbug. It's a little scary to think about starting over with someone new but honestly I am looking forward to it. I'm ready now more then ever to face this new life ahead of me. My medical instructor Ms. Kris always called her new students "baby birds" and now I understand why. Now I am learning a new way to fly only this time I will not fall. I'm ready to leave this nest and take on this brand new bold world. I may have lost a few feathers along the way but that will only make me fly harder and fly farther than I have ever flew before. Look out world here I come! Are you ready?

Who will save your soul?

No offense to any christians reading this but I gotta get this off my chest. Recently I got in a verbal fight with my brother over religion. His argument was that my religious choice was a fake one and there is no such thing as Yule and he thinks I am afraid to say the word God or Jesus. The truth of the matter is a lot of christian celebrations ie christmas and easter were first celebrated by pagans. Yes I called him ignorant, sorry but you don't come at me with an arguement without doing some research first. It was not pretty at all the convo ended with him getting angry at me when he couldn't sway me into repenting my evil ways and converting to his choice of religion. Thanks to Shutterbug for being there for me when I needed her. I hope one day my brother will wake up and realize that he was wrong in trying to force me to change. The upshot is my brother told my dad about the arguement and my dad sided with me. He doesn't care about who I love or my religious choice all he cares about is I am happy and that's all that matters.

Was I?

I wonder if i ever really loved him. Was he just an excuse not to move back in with my mom after I got out of the military. Was he just a fuck buddy with a title? Who knows and at this point in time who cares any more. All I am happier now. Which begs another question was I happy then too? Was I happy? Was I ever truely happy? All I know is I am happy and that's all that matters. It's hard to explain when you begin to question the past in order to make sense of the present. I spent 8 years trying to be something and someone I wasn't. I pretended to be this "normal" person. I spent lots of time just trying to hold it all in. Never really knowing the real me only what I thought I was supposed to be. Well that person is no more. I know who I am now and that's all that matters honestly. It's funny how you break away from it just to really discover what you are truly made of. It's only then that you realize just how strong you really are. You turn the things that once made you weak and powerless into things that you learn from.

Ah the joys of being a lesbian

Here lately I have started realizing more and more just how great it is to be a lesbian. For instance I don't ever have to worry about my partner suffering from erectile dysfunction or have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant unless we want to be. I love being with my partner and I am much happier being gay then I ever did being straight. Who knows may this is how I was always meant to be.

In retrospect

Well on Tuesday Shutterbug and I will celebrate 2 years of being together. It's funny how it doesn't feel like it's only been 2 years. I guess it just feels longer considering all the crap we have been through together. Two years ago I was a broken woman who didn't know who she was and didn't know she fit in this world. Shutterbug was trying to fix the pieces of her broken heart. Together we found something in each other. It happened to be what we needed. We are a perfect combination of silly and serious, laughter and pain, joy and sorrow. But no matter what we have been through we always come out stronger and closer then ever before. Every time I look at her I fall more and more in love with her. She is my rock when I feel like I am drifting at sea. I look at her now and I think to myself, god I am so lucky to have her in my life. Happy 2 yr anniversary honey! I love you very very much and I am so glad to have you as my partner.

WTF?!!! why does this always happen

Why do people suddenly feel the need to confess that they had a crush on you, wanted to go out with you or in love with you when you are already in a relationship. I mean I can understand it's a safety thing cuz there is nothing you can do about it. But damn!!! I was seeing this girl back when I lived in KS we broke it off cuz her husband at the time was a major dick! Then she adds me back to her facebook page and she tells me she was in love with me back then but she didn't tell me cuz after what RJ put me through emotionally I swore off falling in love with another woman. So that she wouldn't feel rejected she didn't tell me. Now it's been almost 4 yrs later and she told me this last night. Sleep was so not an option last night. I told her that we both have people that love us and I am so in love with Shutterbug that no one can change that no even some chick that I broke it off with 4 yrs ago. Okay I feel better now

Finding love second time around

You know it's funny how I spent a decade with someone who never made me feel like an equal in their life. He always had to feel superior but now I have someone who treats me like an equal in every way. She makes me feel so wonderful and loved. She is someone who I can consider my partner. She is just so much fun to have in my life. I can be silly with her and it's ok. She encourages me to be myself and loves who I am. I wish I could be with her at night but I am looking forward to my life with her. It's funny how you find the love of your life the second time around after you get a divorce. I am thankful every day for this woman! I love you Shutterbug!!!

Xmas and other musings

Ok for the first time in a long time i have felt the xmas spirit now i am ready for some peace and quiet. Shutterbug will be here to spend new years with me. I love my neice but damn her mother does not teach her manners. She smacks when she eats and i always got fussed at for it when i was a kid. Damn. Oh and then the kicker my sister seems to think i am mad because she can have kids and i can't WTF sorry i am not envious in any way shape or form that she has a kid. im happy i don't have them see previous post. Xmas was fun but i want to just enjoy my vacation that starts this coming up tuesday after i get out of work!! im so ready for some time off to just chill with my girl and just relax. Since my sister has been here i have been very on edge. we have always had a tense relationship and some how i think it's best we really don't have much of one. the woman stayed drunk almost the entire time she was here. and i am the one that got called up tight cuz i don't feel the need to drink alcomahol to relax sorry there is much better and cheaper ways to do that. and much healther ways too. my god i saw this woman eat 2 heaping plate fulls of food every time she sat down to eat dinner. its sad really how she just let herself go.

Glad im not a mom

Here lately I have seen lots of people i know preggers and now have kids. A few whine because they can't have them. Im not one of them! I'm glad i can't have children. I can come and go as i please. no need to find a babysitter not diaper bags to pack no bottles to clean. No getting up at 3 am to feed or change a crying baby. I say don't whine or get all depressed cuz you can't have them be happy that you can't. You can live your life and do what ever you want to. enjoy the life you have with out children

Letting go

Well I have decided that it's time to let go the emotional baggage. This weekend my wonderful witchie friend is gonna help me in the healing process. It's time to let him go and move forward with my life with shutterbug. I have to stop thinking about the past and think about the here and now. I have to stop worrying about losing Shutterbug again. No one can tell us not to be together any more like he tried to do. She makes me so happy and I couldn't ask for a better partner. I have to stop thinking about the time I almost lost her because of his ass. Now I have her in my life and I am not letting her go.

Finding my way

Well here I am in my brand new life in Texas. Man it's so nice to finally feel at peace. I miss Shutterbug like crazy! I did get to see her over this past weekend omg that was the best. She has been so wonderful! She even helped me move here. I wouldn't have it any other way. My parents absolutely love her. We exchanged promise rings this past weekend as well. She makes me so happy. I'm glad to be out of that shitastic situation. It's funny I will worry about him ever once in a while but then I think what for it's not my problem any more. He actually wanted to talk last week. I think he is starting to realize what he lost. LMAO!!!! sucks to be him! I am loving life and I am grateful for those in it. Shutterbug and I are doing better then ever. We have such a strong connection and i am loving what i have with her.

As one chapter ends the first page of the next one begins

As of August 13th I am going to be moving to Texas to live with my dad temporarily. It's just till I can get back on my feet. As some of you already know I am getting a divorce from my husband. I wanted to try to stay around here but I have to have 3 things but aren't readily available, a place of my own, a full time job and a car. Sadly I would have to find those 3 things before the lease is up in the apartment but that's just not possible right now. Granted it sucks that I would have to be away from Shutterbug for a little while but this is something I have to do for me. So wish me luck as I start on this new chapter of my life

The Life Giver

She feeds me poetry
I sing her lullabies
She breathes life into this burnt out soul
I give her comfort and love
She has no idea just how much she means to me
Oh she is my life giver
Just when I was veering on the edge of sadness she brought me flowers of joy
Oh my lady oh my tender sweet lover
Oh how this fire in my soul burns for you
When others turned their backs on me it is she who stayed
She took my hand and we soared to our castle in the sky
Thank you my love for bringing me out of the dark
Thank you for loving me the way you do

can you say awkward

Did you ever go some where and realize that no one wants you there and everyone is just making looking at you why are you even here. The only one that wants you there is the host. Well I felt that today. I got invited to a 4th of July party and my ex-husband was there too. it just felt like everyone was on his side and didn't give a damn about me. oh well that just means they weren't really my friends any way. FUCK THEM!!! What the hell do they want me to do. I never really fit in there any way.

save the drama for your mama

So Shutterbug emailed Extremes about what was said and it sounds to me like Extremes is forcing her opinion on Shutterbug. Recently Shutterbug came out to her mom. I'm proud of her for admitting what she had hidden for so long. Coming out is never easy for anyone. For the longest time Extremes would tell Shutterbug just to come out and move in with me. But what Extremes doesn't realize is that not everyone thinks the way she does. Shutterbug and I have a plan that we are gonna stick to. Shutterbug doesn't wanna come to the table with debt and Extremes enjoys in being an immature flake. Sorry but i would rather have a plan and stick to it then just go off willy nilly. well that's all i got for today have a wonderful day

That's it im done

I know i am anal about being on time but damn how much can one person take. Extremes was late again 15mins to be exact. so i just left I'm tired of waiting on her just to show up when ever and not say sorry running late. I'm so done with her flaking out on me. I told her I waited for 15mins and I left I'm tired and sore I can't be friends with someone who doesn't understand the concept of time.

I spent a week away from you last night

God I miss her! Every night without her aches. The distance is what kills me the most. But we will make it through. No one will ever have to tell me I can't be with her. Extremes told me that she was using me I think she is full of shit. There is no way that my wonderful girlfriend is using me. Extremes for so long has been our cheerleader saying that we need to be together and now she says this what the hell?

Life right now

So here is the skinny on my life right now. I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 10 years. We both realized that we don't have a damn thing in common. The people that were supposed to be my friends have turned their backs on me. I hate it when people use the term best friend so lightly and then they turn on you. And people that are supposed to be adults wanna play the high school game. The hubby and I signed an agreement that the bonds of fidelity no longer hold us. So I am free to date my girlfriend. Granted I am still living in the same apartment as him but he is being nice about all this and letting me stay till I have some money saved up. Granted right now life is pretty shitty but there are still a few people I can count on. My dad is being very supportive and Shutterbug has been there for me through all this shit. Immortal has been there too but she has some drama of her own that she has had to deal with. I have a job that I love doing. It's nice to be back to work again. I am still working out I have lost a grand total of 43lbs since Sept of 2007 went from a size 20 to a size 12 yay me well that's all for now