Who will save your soul?

No offense to any christians reading this but I gotta get this off my chest. Recently I got in a verbal fight with my brother over religion. His argument was that my religious choice was a fake one and there is no such thing as Yule and he thinks I am afraid to say the word God or Jesus. The truth of the matter is a lot of christian celebrations ie christmas and easter were first celebrated by pagans. Yes I called him ignorant, sorry but you don't come at me with an arguement without doing some research first. It was not pretty at all the convo ended with him getting angry at me when he couldn't sway me into repenting my evil ways and converting to his choice of religion. Thanks to Shutterbug for being there for me when I needed her. I hope one day my brother will wake up and realize that he was wrong in trying to force me to change. The upshot is my brother told my dad about the arguement and my dad sided with me. He doesn't care about who I love or my religious choice all he cares about is I am happy and that's all that matters.

Was I?

I wonder if i ever really loved him. Was he just an excuse not to move back in with my mom after I got out of the military. Was he just a fuck buddy with a title? Who knows and at this point in time who cares any more. All I am happier now. Which begs another question was I happy then too? Was I happy? Was I ever truely happy? All I know is I am happy and that's all that matters. It's hard to explain when you begin to question the past in order to make sense of the present. I spent 8 years trying to be something and someone I wasn't. I pretended to be this "normal" person. I spent lots of time just trying to hold it all in. Never really knowing the real me only what I thought I was supposed to be. Well that person is no more. I know who I am now and that's all that matters honestly. It's funny how you break away from it just to really discover what you are truly made of. It's only then that you realize just how strong you really are. You turn the things that once made you weak and powerless into things that you learn from.

Ah the joys of being a lesbian

Here lately I have started realizing more and more just how great it is to be a lesbian. For instance I don't ever have to worry about my partner suffering from erectile dysfunction or have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant unless we want to be. I love being with my partner and I am much happier being gay then I ever did being straight. Who knows may this is how I was always meant to be.

In retrospect

Well on Tuesday Shutterbug and I will celebrate 2 years of being together. It's funny how it doesn't feel like it's only been 2 years. I guess it just feels longer considering all the crap we have been through together. Two years ago I was a broken woman who didn't know who she was and didn't know she fit in this world. Shutterbug was trying to fix the pieces of her broken heart. Together we found something in each other. It happened to be what we needed. We are a perfect combination of silly and serious, laughter and pain, joy and sorrow. But no matter what we have been through we always come out stronger and closer then ever before. Every time I look at her I fall more and more in love with her. She is my rock when I feel like I am drifting at sea. I look at her now and I think to myself, god I am so lucky to have her in my life. Happy 2 yr anniversary honey! I love you very very much and I am so glad to have you as my partner.

WTF?!!! why does this always happen

Why do people suddenly feel the need to confess that they had a crush on you, wanted to go out with you or in love with you when you are already in a relationship. I mean I can understand it's a safety thing cuz there is nothing you can do about it. But damn!!! I was seeing this girl back when I lived in KS we broke it off cuz her husband at the time was a major dick! Then she adds me back to her facebook page and she tells me she was in love with me back then but she didn't tell me cuz after what RJ put me through emotionally I swore off falling in love with another woman. So that she wouldn't feel rejected she didn't tell me. Now it's been almost 4 yrs later and she told me this last night. Sleep was so not an option last night. I told her that we both have people that love us and I am so in love with Shutterbug that no one can change that no even some chick that I broke it off with 4 yrs ago. Okay I feel better now

Finding love second time around

You know it's funny how I spent a decade with someone who never made me feel like an equal in their life. He always had to feel superior but now I have someone who treats me like an equal in every way. She makes me feel so wonderful and loved. She is someone who I can consider my partner. She is just so much fun to have in my life. I can be silly with her and it's ok. She encourages me to be myself and loves who I am. I wish I could be with her at night but I am looking forward to my life with her. It's funny how you find the love of your life the second time around after you get a divorce. I am thankful every day for this woman! I love you Shutterbug!!!

Xmas and other musings

Ok for the first time in a long time i have felt the xmas spirit now i am ready for some peace and quiet. Shutterbug will be here to spend new years with me. I love my neice but damn her mother does not teach her manners. She smacks when she eats and i always got fussed at for it when i was a kid. Damn. Oh and then the kicker my sister seems to think i am mad because she can have kids and i can't WTF sorry i am not envious in any way shape or form that she has a kid. im happy i don't have them see previous post. Xmas was fun but i want to just enjoy my vacation that starts this coming up tuesday after i get out of work!! im so ready for some time off to just chill with my girl and just relax. Since my sister has been here i have been very on edge. we have always had a tense relationship and some how i think it's best we really don't have much of one. the woman stayed drunk almost the entire time she was here. and i am the one that got called up tight cuz i don't feel the need to drink alcomahol to relax sorry there is much better and cheaper ways to do that. and much healther ways too. my god i saw this woman eat 2 heaping plate fulls of food every time she sat down to eat dinner. its sad really how she just let herself go.